My dearest Evangeline,
I believe you would be the one to appreciate how difficult it is to write this, and the long pauses with every sentence. You know I wish you all the peace of mind in the world. You’re one of the very few people that I met with such a kind soul; and that truly understood what pain means.
I can’t quite tell you where I am at in life now. I can’t even begin to fathom my reality. I pass by, talk to strangers, go here and there… but all I hear is nonsense. It’s just noise that calms my soul, while the mountains echo a different tone.
I left Alexandria a while ago. I had to go search for something that I’m yet to discover. And though I’m confident I had it in me some time in the past. At times I’m sharp and my mind is filled with ideas of great deeds and wise decisions. And sometimes I feel like I’m drawn to this kind of sadness; which betrays any slight of sanity I still have in me.
I’m a mess. I’m a “glance of what I could have been.” I have no clue where I’m headed; and the weight of a backpack on my shoulders is ever lighter compared to what I carry with me. A lifetime of memories and songs pass before my eyes in a matter of minutes. And I die every waking moment.
I wish I had control over my life and that of others, but I don’t. I thought I did, to be quite frank, but I’m just as helpless as any of the young chaps flocking the streets. I never meant to lose your acquaintance or mar any moment we shared. I still try to look for an explanation that would resolve the convulsions in my chest. But I still suffer, and long for the unknown.
I’m not trying to confuse you, my dear. Life can be confusing, and the wave crushes us all. I just felt like talking and I found you lurking somewhere in my head. You’re welcome in my head! Hover among these recurring thoughts I have, and I’ll think of you too.
You’ll hear from me soon.
– 29 October 2018
Photo: Mahmoud Nasr